Resilience in the Face of Change
Written by Kevin Maher, PCLC
As the seasons change and we officially settle into autumn, we are reminded of the constant change and impermanence of all things. Any life is a life of change. We experience changes in work and relationships, physical and mental health changes, and new events in our local and world communities. Sometimes we know when change may occur, and other times it strikes us unexpectedly without our knowledge. Maybe it’s a disappointment. Maybe it’s a delightful surprise.
Winter in Northwestern Montana can be a cold and dark time. The Covid-19 pandemic has forced us to change our lifestyles to be more distanced, more separated, and more isolated— making Montana winters even harder. Our relationships become strained, we lose our sense of connection and belonging, and our sense of purpose can become clouded. In anticipation of these challenging months ahead, I have been looking into what I can do to embrace change instead of resisting it and cultivating resiliency. Here are a couple of things to increase our resiliency:
Evaluate your level of control.
It’s too easy for us to become fixated on events where we have no power or people who might never change. Often, so much of our distress comes from trying to control the things we can’t control. But having an accurate appraisal of what we can and can’t control can set our minds at ease and garner motivation and focus. To evaluate your level of control over a situation, ask yourself, “What can I take responsibility for in this situation?” or, “What can I actually control here, and is it out of my power?” When we look for opportunities to empower ourselves and work towards change that is possible, we are less likely to feel stuck in difficult situations.
Practice Self-Compassion
It’s well documented now that most people tend to be more compassionate and caring toward others than themselves. As therapists, we see this all too often. Self-punishment and self-criticism are ubiquitous forms of coping, yet they come at a significant cost to our mental and physical well-being. According to Dr. Kristen Neff, a clinical psychologist and leading researcher on self-compassion, there are three elements to self-compassion: self-kindness vs. self-judgment, common humanity vs. isolation, and mindfulness vs. over-identification. Self-compassion is a less familiar concept than self-esteem or self-confidence. Self-esteem tends to involve evaluating oneself in comparison to others, while self-compassion does not include the judgment of the self or others. Just as we would offer a friend or loved one compassionate understanding, we can also learn to offer this experience to ourselves. Sometimes it can even help to imagine you are talking to a friend or loved one to find the language needed to show compassion to yourself. “Hey, it’s okay. You made a mistake, but it will be okay.” Or “I’m not perfect, nobody is, we all fail.” Or just, “I’ve got you, you’re safe. It’s ok.” If we’ve let our self-critic cut loose for too long, then we may need to practice this repeatedly to unlearn habitual negative self-talk. This practice, while simple, can be challenging and have an enormous influence on growth.
Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness is a powerful tool to help ground ourselves in our moment-to-moment experience. The easiest way to practice mindfulness is to pay attention to our breathing. Imagine you are out hunting and spot an elk in a wooded glade. You shoulder your rifle, look down the scope, and focus on your shot. Your senses become heightened; you feel and see your breathing intensely as your crosshair bobs up and down, and you begin to take slow deep breaths to calm your body and steady your aim. Your thinking slows, and you feel deeply connected to the present moment. Thoughts may come in of missing your shot, of waiting too long, or of having to chase your animal. But you wave those off and re-focus on your breath to steady your aim once again. Believe it or not, you’ve just engaged with a mindfulness practice. As we re-focus our attention on our breath over and over again, a space opens between our thoughts and our present moment experiencing.
Here is a simple mindfulness exercise to practice for even 5 minutes:
Find a quiet place to sit. Plant your feet firmly on the ground with your hands in your lap or on your knees while keeping your back erect.
Focus on your breathing. It can be helpful to find a focal point to focus on—the diaphragm, the septum between your nostrils, etc.
Now imagine you are seated in front of a small creek with autumn leaves falling all around you.
Every time you find yourself pulled away from your breath by thought or feeling, “place” the thought or emotion on a leaf and let it float away down the creek and return your focus to your breath.
Rinse and repeat. The kicker here is to do this with a non-judgmental attitude. We are simply practicing being compassionate observers.
These are simple things to write and read about, but they are often much harder practices to cultivate every day. These are practices, and anything worth practicing takes time, intention, and patience. Try to carve out time every day to practice these skills, even if it is ten minutes. While they may seem tedious and hard to fit into our busy lives, they may help foster a sense of hope, patience, kindness, and growth-oriented thinking that serve as a sturdy buffer from the seasonal blues. Resiliency can be defined as the ability of an entity or system to withstand “shocks and disturbances” while bouncing back and self-regulating. Just as a grassland or alpine ecosystem is resilient against fire and drought, we can also cultivate resilience against the constant change of life.