Grief: Processing Loss

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

            -Jamie Anderson

At one point or another, we will all experience loss, whether that is through the death of a loved one or pet, a divorce, or losing a job, a lifestyle, or a community. Despite the commonality of this type of experience, it can still feel impossibly difficult and daunting to move forward. While here is no denying that the process of grieving is hard, it may offer some solace to know that it is completely normal, and that it is good for you. While loss can rip you open and bring an end to life as you knew it, grief is a process that helps you to rebuild your identity and your sense of reality. 

Societal Norms

Grief does not discriminate based on age, gender, race, ability, sexual orientation, religion, or socio-economic status- it is something that lies at the very core of the human condition. While this is true, our American society has a perplexing way of discouraging us from talking about it, or even confronting it in any real way. This may be due to the fact that it is a truly painful and difficult process, and it just seems easier to brush it under the rug. Unfortunately, this strategy has not proven itself to be effective, and it does not lead to any healing or growth.

Here, we are offering you an alternative- to come out of the shadows, to meet yourself wherever you are in your grieving process, and to trust that you will be able to be ok on the other side of this journey. 

What to Expect as you Grieve

A key concept as you navigate the grieving process is to normalize the way that you are feeling and to allow yourself to experience your emotions as they come up. You may have heard of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally, Acceptance. While it is indeed entirely normal to experience all of those things, the fact that they are conceptualized as “stages” often leads to the incorrect assumption that they are linear, and once you move on from one, you will never go back. In reality, you can experience them all in any order, and it is considerably nuanced.

Here are a few ways to conceptualize what you may be experiencing that come from Good Grief. Remember that everything is normal, including NOT feeling these things as they are described here. 

Emotional: A large and diverse spectrum of emotions are common as we grieve, ranging from  sadness, anger, and fear, to joy, relief, and hope. Feelings of apathy, numbness, and disconnection are also typical and entirely normal. The important thing is to allow yourself to feel these things to the extent that you feel capable. 

Intellectual: As humans, we are painfully aware of our own mortality, as well as the impermanence of all things. As we grieve, it makes perfect sense that these bigger questions about meaning and purpose come up. It can be hard to wrap our heads around why this loss happened, but this process helps us to arrive at the acceptance of our new reality that does not include the person we lost. 

Spiritual: Religion and spirituality can go hand-in-hand with our intellectual struggle to find meaning during loss. Shifting perspective and seeing ourselves as part of something bigger than us can have a soothing effect, and it can offer peace when we are struggling to find answers. 

Physical: Society often sells us the false notion that there is a separation between our body and our mind. In reality, the two are inextricably linked, and therefore physical expressions of emotional pain are common. You may feel nauseous or exhausted, you may notice an increase or a decrease in your appetite, or you may just feel foggy or off. This is because you are also a body, and it is not separate from your grief. 

Other Factors

While it is true that everything mentioned in this article so far is “normal” or “common”, it feels important to acknowledge that grief can also be an extremely unique phenomenon. It may feel like “no one else gets it” or that “it’s different for me”. That is also true. There is an endlessly complex list of factors that contribute to each person’s experience of loss. You may have had a complicated relationship with the person that you lost. Your culture may deal with loss differently than the culture that you find yourself in. There may be nuances in how the person was lost or in your personal support system. You may even be grieving the loss of a person because you have chosen to cut them out of your life, and even though you know it’s right in the long run, it still hurts now. All of these factors create a unique grieving process that is unique to you. The good news about it is that it also means that it is exactly the kind of process that you need in order to heal. 

Conclusion and Resources

Grief is a long process, and no matter how far along you are in your personal journey, I hope that you were able to take something from this article. If you are looking for more support, individual counseling can be very beneficial, and finding a grief-focused therapy group can also be helpful, though it’s best to work through things with an individual counselor first. Additionally, there are plenty of resources out there to help as you navigate through your grief, and they are posted below, along with several poems that may resonate well. 

Tamarack Grief Resource Center

https://www.tamarackgrc.org/

info@TamarackGRC.org

406-541-8472

Good Grief

https://good-grief.org/

Hospice Foundation of America

https://hospicefoundation.org/Grief-(1)

American Counseling Association

https://www.counseling.org/knowledge-center/mental-health-resources/grief-and-loss-resources

‘Epitaph’ by Merrit Malloy

When I die give what’s left of me away

to children and old men that wait to die.

And if you need to cry,

cry for your brother walking the street beside you.

And when you need me, put your arms around anyone

and give them what you need to give me.

I want to leave you something,

something better than words or sounds.

Look for me in the people I’ve known or loved,

and if you cannot give me away,

at least let me live in your eyes and not your mind.

You can love me best by letting hands touch hands,

and by letting go of children that need to be free.

Love doesn’t die, people do.

So, when all that’s left of me is love,

give me away.

‘One Art’ by Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn’t hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:

places, and names, and where it was you meant

to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or

next-to-last, of three loved houses went.

The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,

some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.

I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.

—Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture

I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident

the art of losing’s not too hard to master

though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.